For a movie about vampires and teenage lust, New Moon sure is bloodless. The Twilight sequel is one angsty mope-fest, with the perpetually stormy Forks, Washington, weather not so subtly mirroring heroine Bella’s (Kristin Stewart) inner turmoil after her pale-faced vampire boyfriend leaves her in order to protect her. Protect her from what, aside from longing glances, chaste kisses and banal declarations of devotion?

A sense of danger is palpably absent throughout. Sure, hanging out with a brooding brood of blood-suckers has its risks, but it’s nothing that Buffy and Sookie Stackhouse haven’t managed with plucky aplomb. Fearing she’ll grow old and wrinkly while Edward (a static Robert Pattinson) never ages, Bella wages an annoying campaign to get him to turn her into a vampire so they can like totally be together 4-eva. But Bella is already so empty as to be exsanguinated; it’s hard to imagine much blood pulsing through her veins anyway. Edward loves her, he repeatedly tells her, but why exactly?

Their relationship is oddly soulless, which makes Edward’s concern of turning her and taking her soul a bit moot. The mythology is murky anyway; what would that mean exactly? The Cullens seem like a nice bunch even without their souls, but what makes them good while other vampires continue to kill humans? Again, author Stephenie Meyer might have consulted Joss Whedon. Edward, being the good bad guy that he is, chooses to leave Bella rather than reave her soul.

Bella commences to mope for three months that is seemingly played out in real time. I get that teenage emotions are heightened and it might feel like the end of the world for her, but come on girl, wake up and smell the hottie. Sweet-faced guy pal Jacob (Taylor Lautner), long nursing a crush on her, steps up in Edward’s absence, but she largely uses him. It’s actually a nice change of pace that Bella only takes note of him after he rips off his shirt revealing a six pack that no 17-year-old should be in possession of. Jacob is equally enamored, telling her he’d never hurt her like Edward did, and then proceeds to do the exact same thing when he discovers he’s a werewolf.

It’s actually an interesting parallel in concept, but Lautner, all dimples and gleaming white teeth, can’t really pull off menacing, despite his abs of steel. And the love triangle loses its impact because you never get the sense that poor Jake has a chance, so single-mindedly—and inexplicably—devoted is Bella to Edward.

And that’s really the problem with New Moon: Why do these characters love each other so deeply? Sure, the boys are hot; every time Lautner was shown shirtless dripping in the rain, my theater companion audibly gasped and the rest of the audience tittered and shrieked. And they’ll do anything to protect a girl. But raised on strong heroines like Buffy, Sydney Bristow and Veronica Mars, I couldn’t help but hope Bella would show a little strength and take care of herself for once, perhaps give her boys a reason to care for her so. But she’s just a seriously distressed damsel waiting for a strong man to come save her. So much for girl power.